Being a great dad is not complicated. It is a short list of ordinary things, done on an ordinary Tuesday, over and over. I am not a parenting expert. I am a dad of five, and this is the list I am working from.
Put the phone down
A kid can tell the difference between a dad who is in the room and a dad who is paying attention. A phone in your hand says there is something more interesting than them nearby, even when you are only checking the time.
The fix that works is distance. Leave the phone on the kitchen counter or in another room when you walk in the door. Out of your pocket beats face down on the table.
Be done with work by 4 or 5
The hours between the end of school and bedtime are the hours kids are awake, home, and looking for someone to talk to. Work will fill every hour you give it, so pick a stopping time and treat it like an appointment you cannot move.
That is not always possible. Some jobs come with late shifts, travel, and deadlines that do not care about dinner. On those days the rule gets simpler: once you are home, work is over.
Ask about their day
“How was school?” gets you “fine.” Specific questions get you stories:
- What was the best part of today?
- Who did you sit with at lunch?
- What made you laugh?
- Was anything hard today?
Then listen to the whole answer. Hold the advice and the lecture unless they ask for it.
Help with the homework
Sit next to them at the table. You do not need to remember how to divide fractions. You can figure it out together, and a kid watching their dad work through something he does not know is a lesson of its own.
The job is to keep them company while they do the hard thing, not to do it for them.
Play with them
Play catch in the yard, take them to the park, or set up a chess board and let them win a few games until the day they start beating you for real.
What you play matters less than showing up for the thing they picked. Let them choose, and say yes more often than is convenient.
Teach them things
Kids want to know how the world works: how to ride a bike, cook eggs, shake a hand, count back change, check the oil, use a drill.
Bring them along on the errand or the project, even though it goes slower with a helper. The slow version is the one they remember, and one day they will be able to do it without you.
Read to them
A book at bedtime is super simple and it does a lot. They are sitting close to you, the day slows down, and you end up with characters and jokes that belong to the two of you.
Keep going after they can read on their own. Older kids will still listen to a good chapter book.
A few more
- Take one kid at a time. In a house with more than one kid, the quiet one gets less of you. A trip to the hardware store with only one of them counts.
- Say sorry. You will lose your temper or get something wrong. Apologizing to a kid shows them how it is done.
- Be good to their mom. How you treat her is the first picture they get of how to treat people they love.
- Tell them. Say “I love you” and “I am proud of you” out loud, and name the specific thing you noticed.
Start with one
This is a long list, and I do not get to all of it every day. Pick one thing and do it tonight. Put the phone on the counter, ask one better question at dinner, or read one chapter before lights out.
Then do it again tomorrow.